Journal - JG

[jbglotz]

I found myself acting out in ways that aren't me.
I've been on Paxil for at least 13 years. I was prescribed for postpartum depression - my son is 13. I know this wasn't the first time I was on it though - in fact I think I took it while pregnant..what a blur this all is. I think It was probably 8 years before that that I first had Buspar and Paxil (together) for anxiety and depression. So perhaps 20 years. ..off and on.. 100% ON for the last 12 years .. Some where in the 20 years I've gone from 20mg to 30mg to 40mg to 30mg to 40mg. I've been on 40mg for the past couple of years steadily.
I'm a recovering alcoholic - drank heavily from age 16 through 25, (plus medium cocaine usage) and I haven't had a drink or illegal drug since April of 1985.
I've been married to another recovering alcoholic for 18 years. This past year I started acting out sexually and was pursuing anonymous sex...like an out of body experience. I've read that many people on paxil and other anti-depressants act out in this way as well. Perhaps trying to get a FEELING? I am pretty numb with feelings. They are hard to identify.
After acting out sexually I was welcomed back home with the knowledge and agreement that this was my last chance at changing my behavior. If I cheat again my husband will leave me. So I started on a path of acting out again. Even with that knowledge that my bridges were crumbling, I pursued it but did not act upon it. Once again, I've come clean with Bill (husband) and have started on a path of rigorous honesty. I stopped going to AA meetings about 15 - 20 years ago, but I am returning now and I love it. I know it will (and is) helping me with sexual acting out (so much deceit) and alcoholic behavior.
I think it will help with paxil withdrawal as well.
I have tried to ween myself from this drug, but never gave myself a chance to FEEL and go through without going back to it. Any doctor is so willing to question why go off a med if it's working, or even to up the dosage or supplement paxil with valium - no I didn't take it.
So I have 6 more days of 40mg pills and I'm going to go to 35mg. I'm going to go for 5 week intervals so I don't get my moods confused with my monthly cycle.
I'm so glad you're all here. I hope I'll be able to help some of you down the road and I'm sure you will be able to help me with your experiences and encouragement.
- Julie

[AussieGirl]

Hi Julie. Welocme to PP. I too was put on paxil for post partunm depression. The not feeling is so common. Im p[leased your going back to AA. It will help you alot . The 5 week idea is a good one too. I look forward to your journal and seeing you progress.

[jbglotz]

Thank you AussieGirl! I'm glad I found this place~~

today...not much change of course...a bit anxious about the tapering starting next week with 5mg reduction...but more excited than anxious. I can't imagine feeling real. this is going to be a long haul.
Does anyone have any experience with telling their employer? I know the FAQ suggests strongly to tell, but I don't know if it's necessary. I'd like to hear from you if you told your employer and are glad you did and/or if you told and regret it, and/or if you didnt tell and wish you had.

Last night at AA the topic was 'what do you let go of in order to experience spiritual growth?' ..things like letting go of anger and resentment in order to keep ones path clear from distraction and/or destruction. I think a lot of the principles of addiction recovery will apply on my paxil withdrawal as well. What will I be willing to do in order to be free of this drug?
- live through feelings
- get myself up and doing
- ask for help
- stay focused on the goal
- take it easy on myself as needed
- rely on tools for change
- focus on my needs
Imagine being free to feel what's real.

[jbglotz]

I started smoking a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't smoked in 20 years. I was one of those annoying smokers that could take it or leave it. Leaving it was not bad at all. I started again because I've been highly stressed and cuz I wanted to. I smoke about 6-7 ultra light cigs a day. I feel like I'm deceiving my son though. I've been anti-smoking for his whole life, so this is quite different for me.
I'm just coming clean here where it's safe...trying to be accountable. I think it'll be interesting to go back and read these entries once I start my withdrawal.
I will keep track of nicotine as well.
40mg Paxil today...in a few days I'll go to 35mg.

[jbglotz]

wow - I'm on 30mg...not 40mg...I haven't even read my Rx bottle for a while I guess. I had it in my head that I was on 40... woohoo! lower starting point ...

[jbglotz]

ok - here we go...from 30 to 25mg last night. I'm taking B vitamins (also at night) which are nice for sleeping. I thought B's were energizers, but someone told me to try them at night and I'm getting great sleep.
I'm also turning over a new leaf of honesty with my husband, so I am probably sleeping better due to this. I'm trying to get to meetings every day.
Smoked 3 cigs on the way to work. My commute today was almost 2 hours... ...I worked from home for many years, but now the company wants people to come back onsite. This was a huge upset for me and the way my life was organized. BUT it was also an opportunity for me to isolate. So there is good an bad to long commute. Now if I could just figure out how to meditate in the car without crashing, I'd be set.

[jbglotz]

Feeling pretty good today. Smoked too much yesterday (9-10 cigs)...so feeling a bit 'hungover' from that. I had to come clean about smoking with my son. I felt like I was hiding from him. No more hiding for me. He was mad, but he understands and thanked me for telling him. I know that since I told him I'm pulling away from the cigs. I'm not a professional smoker
I've forgotten my meds in my life before and gotten nutty...this gradual reduction may not be noticable to me for a few days. No wacky w/d symptoms yet.
Julie
p.s. taking it easy on myself whilst trying to not OD on chocolate, coffee, cigarettes and other self indulgences

[scotty]

JB, 5mg is a big drop. You should read the weaning information that is up in General Discussion.

[BlueEyes]

JG: Just wanted to drop in and say hey. I too was put on Prozac for postpartum depression many years ago (my son is now 19!). At the time, I would have taken ANYTHING just to be able to get a few hours of sleep (that was my main issue - severe insomnia).

Anyway, take it slow on the withdrawal of these drugs. It took me 3 years to come off of Prozac - I started in 2006 and ended in 2009 (see my signature). The slower, the better. I did 10% cuts most of the way until the last 7 mg or so where I slowed my cuts down to 5%. I'm only barely 3 months off this stuff so still "getting it back together", but as long as I'm able to sleep, I figure I can handle whatever. (of course, going through perimenopause has been no picnic either! )

Feel free to post on the General Discussion board because you'll get ALOT of support there also.

Terri

[jbglotz]

thanks Scotty and BlueEyes...I'm taking your advice after reading general discussion for newbies about tapering. back to 27.5mg.

No need to rush...I have no deadline

[jbglotz]

Feeling good today. I think I was having headaches from the 5mg drop. I suppose anything's possible with Paxil. So many different reactions to it.
Continuing with AA - feels really good.
I have to watch it with the cigs. I'm starting to love them too much. I'm still on about 9 a day. It's an inconvenient hobby and expensive too!
Went for two walks with husband and son yesterday. Felt great. I've been isolating for too long!

[jbglotz]

staying steady at 27.5...a few headaches and backache(?)...feeling a bit 'vanilla' today after a couple of VERY good days. Vanilla is OK, I just feel a bit like I'm caving in. Caving in is dangerous place for me in that I want to act out for attention or to get a feeling. Craving reassurance is not a good place to be...and yet my brain is filling up with that today...craving...I will pray to have my higher power fill the hole in my soul that's been there for so long. Can this really be done? Am I going to feel better?

[VTgirl]

Hello there, I just wanted to say from an earlier post that my employer knows about my medicine, and my tapering. They actually have to know because of my job. I have no regrets telling them. Hope that helps!

[Jess_Reyna]

Hi JB! Just wanted to come in and say hello. I'm glad you went back up to 27.5 mg. There is definitely no need to rush. Slow and steady wins the race has become a lot of people's motto on here. {HUG}

[jbglotz]

I wonder - stomach problems already? or is it a bug...ick... feeling emotionally vanilla again today. A bit stressed about my job. We are having to defend our lives at work and I really don't have enough to do. I'm afraid to ask for more. Last time my co-worker and I asked for more they questioned why we didn't have enough to do. Layoffs are always on the horizon, as are personal finance problems, regrets about my job and mortgage and general worrisome feelings. With all the stress, I wonder why I'm vanilla. not even vanilla - just plain. I feel like I'm trudging through again...like all my life - waiting for something to happen or shake things up. I don't need to be shaken up. I've tried that already and almost lost my marriage. isn't peace worth striving for? Does peace have to be mixed with struggles and stress? How does one achieve peace when the world keeps going on and on? OY vay...I need a meeting tonight. I need to listen to other people's problems and become grateful for what I have. A job, and problems that a lot of people would long to have. no collection agents, no drunk husband, no sickness.
In a movie that I watched tonight (Hannah Takes the Stairs), a character explained what it was like to go on antidepressants. He took them because he was depressed over a breakup and had been on them for 2 years. Lexapro and Wellbutrin. He described depression as being in a hole and the drugs helped him to have a floor to stand on within his hole. It didn't make his hole easy to climb out of, but he did describe the feeling when he noticed the drugs taking effect. the clouds opened and he thought, "so this is what I'm feeling. this is what it's like to be alive".
But he also described the fear that each time he felt 'in the hole', that the shrink was going to up his dosage.
So my question is...with a diagnosis of 'clinical depression' << a silly term, really >> can one get through it without these drugs? I think that not going on them in the first place is the best course, but I wonder...if I was capable of 'riding it out', (postpartum depression) how long could it last? a month? a year? a lifetime? It seems to me that it would have been worth it to keep going to the ppd support group I was in, but NOT go on the meds. Have some women truly had ppd for YEARS? Or have we not given ourselves the chance to even find out.?
It seems that we are first generation guinea pigs here. I'd like to know how many suicides, homicides, shooting sprees are related to overmedication and subsequent backfires. Thinking about Columbine H.S and how those boys planned to stop their meds so they'd be hyped up on anger.
Gotta run to candlelight meeting now...xoxo
Julie
Thanks all for saying hi I'll have to look at your postings too ....cuz I obviously still have lots of questions.